Crossroads

How quickly the seasons seem to change! Not so long ago we were basking in the hot temperatures, and doing our best to survive the unbearable humidity. Today, I woke up to grey skies, and the Weather Network indicated that it was 12°C. The sun, which for a brief moment broke through the thick wall of clouds, goes to bed sooner, and the days feel shorter. Fall is in the air.

This morning around eleven, after a productive writing session, I went for a run. Despite the “coolness” of the day, I donned my shorts and T-shirt and set out for what turned out to be a 7.5 km run. Ever since a back injury earlier in the spring, I’ve been taking it easy. I’ve been easing my way back into the longer distances that I once ran with ease. Maybe it’s my age (a youthful 39; the guy at the movie theatre keeps asking me if I’m under 25??), maybe it’s what I’ve learned over the years, but I’m not forcing myself anymore. What I mean is that when I’m out for a run, and my body says, “Stop!” I stop. Or at least I slow down the pace, or walk for a bit, trying to keep faithful to the mantra, “Easy does it.”

All around me I hear, “Stop!”

Lately, I feel like my life is at a crossroads, but I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do. I’m not sure of what the next right thing to do is. I write. I paint. I compose. But I’m still left trying to connect the dots, trying to see beyond it all, and hoping that it will reveal a great master plan. I was raised in the Baptist church, and it was often said during the Sunday worship service that God has it all in control — that God has a master plan for your [my] life. If that’s the case, now more than ever, I need some sort of sign from the big JC that he has it all in control. I’m in desperate need of a hint as to what He has in store for me.

In the meantime, and no matter how hard it sometimes feels, I will do my best just to keep on keeping on. I do my best to stay anchored in the present, and not let myself get caught up in thoughts about the future. I will once again hang on to that mantra, “Easy does it.” I will show up daily at the page to write and try not to overdo it, but do just enough. I will show up at the easel, spatula in hand, and set to work on my new series of paintings. I will go to the piano to practice as much as to compose. I will do my best to walk by faith, and to pray the prayer of serenity offered to us by Reinhold Niebuhr:

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.”

 

And the church said, “Amen!”