In stark contrast to yesterday,
the sun is shining, and there are very few clouds in the sky. Yesterday, cloudy
and cool, mimicked my mood. I felt down, unnerved, like I was on the verge of
courting depression. Today, the bright sun and warm, gentle breeze soothe my
restless heart.
What I realized today was that,
for some time now, I’ve been on a dry drunk. Although I wasn’t aware of it, I’ve
been intoxicated by thoughts, relentless thoughts, of self-criticism. I’ve been
raking myself over the coals because, lately, it has felt like I’ve been
writing uphill. I’ve been chiding myself for not spending more time in front of
the easel. I’ve been disappointed in myself for not putting more time in at the
piano. Yesterday, at the piano, I fumbled my way through Bach’s Fugue in C Minor that three weeks ago I played
with ease.
Sometimes I forget that, as in
any career, there are ups and downs. As a writer, there are seasons when my
writing flourishes, and my writing is accepted for publication. Then there are
the seasons of rejection, and that’s when the self-criticism snuggles up close
to my heart. What am I thinking, calling myself a writer? I wonder. Despite a
novel and more than a dozen short stories and essays published, a rejection
letter still has the power to wound, to send me reeling — to make me question who I am.
But when I’m feeling down,
uncertain as to the way forward, I’m thankful for my believing mirrors
(Heather-Anne, Myrtle, Adrienne to name a few) who encourage me, help me
through my dry drunk, sober me up. I’m thankful, too, that when I’m slogging
through the writing, I can turn to my other pursuits. I can pour my
disappointment onto the canvas or take it out at the piano.
While it hasn’t felt like there
have been many doors opening in terms of my writing, I am reminded of what
Helen Keller said: “When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often
we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been
opened for us.” The doors that have been opening for me have had a lot to do
with my painting. I was part of a group exhibition this summer at the Galerie
Courant in Richmond (QC). I’m one of five artists whose works are being used to
inspire the Funky Glam Fashion Show that will take place later this month. My painting,
Night Falls VIII (Quand la nuit tombe VIII) was selected for Automn’Art 2012, a
silent auction that will benefit the Foundation of the CEGEP de Sherbrooke. My solo
exhibition, originally scheduled for February 2013, has been moved up to
December 2012. When I pause and reflect, doors of happiness have been opening
up all around me.
The challenge today is to not be
discouraged by rejection, and to not let the dark night of misery rule the day.
I must simply show up daily at the page and write. When I binge on
self-criticism, I know that I risk falling off the wagon. That can trigger
insomnia, which in turn will affect my concentration and, more damagingly, my
mood. Prone to depression, it’s a risk I cannot afford.
So I’m trying to remain sober,
emotionally sober that is. When I focus on the work at hand, good things always
seem to happen, and doors will open. I must have faith. Today, when the day draws
to a close, I will pray for courage and strength to continue to do what it is I
feel compelled to do. Just for today, I will keep on keeping on.
No comments:
Post a Comment