Maybe not kill,
but it can definitely maim the spirit, bring you down.
That's
what happened to me.
I just didn't know it
until this morning, waking up to grey skies and damp streets, and
feeling a bit humdrum about the day ahead. But by the time I ventured
out to drop off my dry cleaning and to grab an early morning coffee
Atlas Espresso Bar, the rain had stopped. The blue skies were mainly
clear, the sun was shining, the air was warm. The weather had changed
so quickly, and my mood along with it.
Ever since my computer
crashed last month, I've been working to fix my daily routine. In a
word: find my focus. I've cut out the distractions while I write,
i.e., turn the TV off. I'm getting up earlier, around 5:00 am each
day, to focus on my most important creative projects when I feel the
freshest. I've adjusted my attitude, not letting myself be beaten
down by my inner critic who was constantly asking me, “What's the
point?” I can say, with a sense of pride, that I've been successful
at maintaining these “new” work habits for the past month. My
productivity has soared. I've taken action (hired an editor, set to
work on a new website, began learning more about social media,
written a strategic plan) hoping to move more confidently in the
direction of my dreams. I should feel more confident about my
creative journey, right?
Why doesn't it feel like
enough? Why is it that I still feel a sense of disappointment?
Because I'm still trying
to do it all.
I've
been equating increased productivity with success without really
taking the time to see if I'm working on the projects that do in fact
matter the most. I haven't really understood that there are
trade-offs, and time dedicated to one project/activity cannot be used
for another. If I'm going to spend three to five hours in the kitchen
every afternoon preparing a homemade meal, then I have to realize –
and accept – that maybe it's going to take a little longer for me
to write the first draft of a novel, complete the rewrite of a
manuscript, or finish building my website. It's been that lack of
understanding, ignorance even, about the importance and necessity of
trade-offs that's made me feel overwhelmed, like I'm stalled. Oliver
Burkeman says it nicely: “[...] we
make enormous efforts to ignore the reality of trade-offs – and, as
a consequence, deny ourselves the best chance of a maximally
fulfilling creative career”
(“Stop Trying to 'Do It All'”). I've been trying to rush, rush,
rush ahead, letting myself be swept up in the hustle and bustle of
life, and to what end?
I've
been equating increased productivity with success without really
taking the time to see if I'm working on the projects that do in fact
matter the most.
I
remind myself today that it's not a competition. Thanks to my
strategic plan, I know where I want to go and by when I want to get
there. I'll be better served, and so will my writing career, if I
focus on a short list of tasks to accomplish each day. I'll bring
the top of my game to each task,
hopefully see
the progress I'm making, and not feel overwhelmed. I see it now as
the best way to weather the storm that is doubt and fear.
Already
I'm feeling less overwhelmed, the restlessness beginning to ebb. It
really is a matter of perspective. Sometimes, trying to push through
the doubt and fear, it’s hard to see clearly the track that has
been laid, how far along I’ve actually come. That’s why we can
only take life one day at a time and, as artists, show up each day to
do what really excites us. Let our passion fuel us, help us to love
the moment in which we find ourselves, and give our very best to our
work.
That,
to me, is happiness.
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