In writing about faith and
faithfulness earlier this month, I mentioned that I was having difficulty focusing
my energy. That lack of focus is still present, unrelenting, and at times
insufferable. I do my best regardless to show up at the page each day and
write. The writing is slow going, but going nonetheless. I should be grateful,
that I am able to write during this period of restlessness, but I want things
to be “normal” again, when there was a perfect ebb and flow to my days, when I was
confident of where I was going and what I was doing. It could be that, for the
first time in my life, I’m in the midst of a crisis of faith.
Life doesn’t always unfold as planned.
There are ups and downs, good days and bad days. Lately it feels like the bad
days outstrip the good days 4-to-1, but I’m doing my best to remain positive — hold on to the belief
that this is the Great Creator’s plan for me, that I am in fact on the right
road. That is not an easy task.
I was thrilled when my novel, Freestyle Love, was accepted for
publication. I did pinch myself to make sure that it was real, that it wasn’t
some cruel joke as I read, and reread, the acceptance e-mail. But I never
really knew what publication would mean, or what it would entail. In all the
reading that I’ve done on writing and the writing process, there isn’t much
talk about the writer’s life after publication. What do you do? What’s expected
of you? What do you expect?
There was no one knocking on my
door asking for autographs, no one automatically stepping forward to review
what I had spent a long time writing. Freestyle
Love isn’t one of Oprah’s Picks, and hasn’t made it on to the New York Times best-seller list (at
least not yet!). There were good friends and acquaintances who came forward offering
congratulations for a job well done, for clinging steadfast to a dream. There were
also “good friends” and acquaintances who were silent and who have, perhaps,
not yet read my novel. Was I expecting instant fame? No. My book is out there
for the world to like, dislike, or be indifferent about. I may never be a household
name like Danielle Steel or Stephen King or Margaret Atwood. Why? Because I’ve
never sought to be front and centre in life. But that doesn’t make me any less
of a writer. I tend to forget that my publishing history shows that I do have talent.
Now that Freestyle Love has been published, I’ve spent some time promoting
it through various advertising campaigns on sites like Goodreads and Manic
Readers, and a second virtual book tour is currently underway. These are
difficult things for me to do —
not because I’m afraid of what people may think of my book, but it means putting
myself out there, on display. That’s what I struggle with. I like my “privacy,”
something which is difficult to maintain in the era of Facebook and Twitter. How
quickly it seems we (myself included) have latched on to social media, and how
social media has become the template for our lives.
I am at a crossroads. Yes, I’m in
the midst of a faith-crisis. Despite encouraging comments from friends and
fans, I still doubt myself, and my talent as a writer. Am I really chasing some
pipedream as some people would have me believe? Am I still moving confidently
in the direction of my dreams or have I allowed myself to be, somehow,
sidelined? Do I have the courage to follow my bliss? I want to say,
triumphantly, “Yes,” to this last question, but I’m not sure. I hope, and pray,
that I can, day by day, keep on keeping on.
I am, still, trying to feel that there is meaning in life, that
I can somehow ward off the emptiness pinning me down. I am, still, trying to
have faith again —
to feel the joy and peace as told to
us in Romans 15:13, “Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in
believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.” I want to believe. I want to live in that faithfulness.
In the meantime, what’s a writer
to do? Keep writing. So I write on …
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