Friday, August 14, 2009

How I Make it Over

This has been a week of highs and lows. I would like to attribute it to the heat, but when I’m honest with myself, I know its my depression trying to rear its ugly head. My depression is classified as being “too mild” to be effectively treated through medication (and on the one hand I’m very grateful for that; past experiences with medication were anything but pleasant), so I live through the flights of high energy (I’m working daily to paint the upstairs bathroom, on the hunt for patio furniture, ventured to Kingston for an evening, tore the towel rack off the wall …) and the ravaging, tear-inducing lows (I wanted to quit my job this week and tell everyone to go to hell … but I didn’t!).

This week the ravaging, tear-inducing lows have had the greatest impact on my writing, and on me. It is hard for me to focus, to just get to the page. If I can set pen to page, then I will write. Not always for long, but a few sentences are better than none at all. I had to ask myself, “Am I really happy? The answer? Yes … and no.

I have a well-paying job. I learned, in the midst of a personal health crisis, which friends I could lean on when needed (and am forever thankful). I have great friends. I have my health. But what I struggle with is this feeling that something is “missing”. It’s not something specific, just a sort of guttural reaction that continues to gnaw at me. So this week I spent a lot of time thinking how to reinvent my life. I am, consequently, attempting to focus more on the things that I want out of life than what I don’t want. I want to be writing more and not feel like I’m “wasting” time, so I’m going to spend less time online. I want to improve my financial situation, so I’ve done away with the daily coffees from Bridgehead (I do treat myself once a week). I want to nurture my friendships, so I’m trying to spend more time with those who matter most to me. I think this is a good place to start, and while I may not be sure that it will reinvent my life, it will, I hope, keep me moving in the direction of my dreams.


  1. Hi, M. I am looking forward to seeing you this week. You are one of the friendships I treasure!