Lately, I find myself struggling
… Again! Struggling to focus, to settle down and write. Struggling to not let
myself be distracted. I’m trying a few different techniques and tools — to-do lists, setting
reminders in my calendar, devouring advice offered up by various goal-setting
websites. Nothing, in combination, seems to be working, at least not in the way
that I hoped they would.
When I sit down to write, I’m
overwhelmed by all of the things that I have to do and haven’t done. Instead of
adding a new task to my to-do list, I undertake it immediately. I know that
that’s counter-productive, that that doesn’t serve my writing. Is it any wonder
then that, at the end of the day, I’m disappointed with my lack of progress?
Not really. But I try to look on the positive side. I may have written 500
words instead of the 1,000 I had set as my goal. I may have made it halfway
through the rewrite of a chapter instead of the whole chapter. That is progress.
What I haven’t quite figured out
is why I’m so restless lately, why I’m so easily distracted. There are a lot of
good things going on in my life at the moment. I have a good job that I,
finally, enjoy. I’m in a loving and committed relationship. I’m surrounded by
loving friends who are supportive of my artistic endeavours — friends who stand by me
when everything I touch turns to gold and during the long seasons of drought. I
have my health. And each day, no matter where I am, I do manage to write (Morning Pages, gratitude lists, snippets
of conversation that become the fodder for a short story, etc.).
Despite the restlessness, the
lack of focus — the
sense of uncertainty about the way forward — I’m not letting those things bring me down. My
daily gratitude lists remind me about the beautiful treasures that life offers
to me. I can see daily how much I am blessed.
So I take up the challenge to
wade through this restlessness, to show up stubbornly at the page daily and
write. Be it a word, a sentence, a paragraph, I will write. That way I will see a body of work take shape. I will
feel better about myself and my writing —
that I continue to heed the call of what I feel compelled to do. And in that
action resides the hope that, one day, I will slay this demon.
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