Restlessness

What I love about life is that it’s not linear. There are mountains to climb and valleys to wade through. There are times of progression — when I feel like I’m at the top of my game. There are, also, periods of regression — when it takes all of my energy to soldier on. But life is a journey, and through all the detours and “disruptions,” I’m doing my best to hold steadfast to my dreams and stay centred.

Today I feel caught somewhere between the mountain and the valley. It’s a day when I can’t seem to get myself moving, when everything has come to a standstill — that I’m immured in a restlessness that I can’t, no matter how hard I try, shake. I tell myself I should write because that’s the only way that the novel-in-progress can move forward. Instead, while waiting for the cable repair person to show up, I take to the kitchen and make mini leek, mushroom and chicken pies, as well as an apple pie. I’ve succeeded at putting off writing.

The pies are done, and the restlessness is still afoot. Why am I not getting to the page? What am I afraid of? Why have I allowed this bout of restlessness to tackle me? I have to leave the apartment — get away from the TV, the computer (internet) and cell phone. I have to retreat to a simpler time. So I head to Spot, the coffee shop around the corner, and settle in to write longhand. And writing longhand, the restlessness ebbs. I’m slowly coming back into myself. What a relief!

Staying centred … That was this morning’s challenge. Perhaps what was behind the restlessness was a lingering doubt. I’m in the middle of a long season of drought. I’m writing. I’m sending out submissions, and there are encouraging words from editors. “You’re on the right track” or “We really enjoyed reading your work” followed by “But it’s not for us at this time. Good luck with your writing endeavours.” So I’m wondering, am I really on the right track? Am I hanging on to an impossible dream? No!

I remind myself that being a writer — an artist — takes courage. As artists, we open up ourselves, and our artwork, to criticism. It’s courageous because we have dared to dream, and then set to work to make the dream pass into reality. It was courage as much as stubbornness that made me push and push until I found a publisher willing to take a chance on my first novel, Freestyle Love.

That is why — even in the face of a slew of other possible restless days like today — I will keep writing, I will cling stubbornly to my dreams. Writing is the source of my joy, the light that shines in my soul, my lifeline. Writing is what I want to do and what I feel called to do. I will continue to heed the call.