Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Finding My Footing

This morning the sky is a robin’s egg blue and clear. The fluffy white clouds that have hung overhead for the past few days are gone. It is cool, but a day to get out for a walk and be at one with nature. The temperature will climb to 13°C, warm enough to let my clothes hang dry on the clothesline. Yet, today brims with hopelessness.

Ever since I finished working on my novella (which I’ve mailed off to a first book competition), I’ve been at a loss. Perhaps it’s more accurate for me to say that I’ve been distracted, unfocused. Working has not been easy. I sit down to write, and find myself thinking about the dishes in the sink. I get up and wash them. I return to my desk, look at the floors and realize they, too, could use a cleaning. I get up and vacuum. Back at my desk, one of my cats jumps onto my lap and I move to change the kitty litter.

It’s not that I’m waiting to feel inspired to write — there’s plenty for me to do. Keep working on the new novel. Reread the short story. Make submissions. What I’m struggling with is where to begin, and that’s why I feel as though I’ve lost my footing. I’m not doing what I know I should be doing, and that is to take one thing and finish it. Easier said than done.

Yes, I’ve lost my footing because I’m uncertain about what to do next … unsure of what is the next right thing to do. There is, for some reason, still this lingering doubt hanging over me, swirling about my body, holding me hostage. I pray for guidance and direction, yet I am left feeling empty, not convinced that my prayer has been heard. I repeat my mantra, “Lord, I believe, help my unbelief,” with feeling comforted, and that the calm I long for will not be restored. Anxiety continues to have dominion here.

I will try again to work, to show up at the page and write. I will try to cast my fears aside. Perhaps I am just in a “down” period where things will move slowly. If I just keep at it, one word at a time, from sentence at a time, I will surely find my footing again. I can already feel hope edging its way back into the day.

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