Be in the Now

2016 started with a bang. The day after I landed back in Toronto from Beijing, I was in extreme pain. A Sunday, and I sat quietly on the sofa watching TV with my partner while the whole left side of my face throbbed. By suppertime, I couldn’t take the pain any longer. I went to the pharmacy at Shoppers Drug Mart, described my pain, and the pharmacist recommended an emergency dental clinic a little north of downtown. An hour later, a dental x-ray revealed an infection. The tooth couldn’t be saved, so out it came.

Oh … the … pain! The pain during the recovery period was just as intense, and at times worse, than before I had the tooth pulled. With pain that bad, it was difficult for me to focus, to write, to move along my creative projects. I wanted to start the New Year off focused on creating a better balance between my writing and other life demands, like my use of social media and my responsibilities at home. I felt sidelined because I wasn’t moving forward. I was close to finishing a read-through of a novel, was trying to decide between self-publishing and traditional publishing and wanted to do some research. I also had two other writing projects on the go. But everything came screeching to a halt. I panicked, couldn’t breathe.

I was, bon gré mal gré, looking to the future and where I hope to be and, consequently, stressing myself out about things that I needed to get done and chastising myself for not being to work through the pain. Then I realized I had to take a step back and be in the present moment, the now. I couldn’t write for long swaths of time, but I could, despite the pain, work in twenty-minute intervals. I could still be creative in the kitchen. If I couldn’t focus long enough to write, I could get out and explore the city, gather more fodder for my writing. I could rest. In that moment, all the stress and doubt fell away. I could breathe again.

Sometimes I forget that there are things beyond my control. Getting sick is one of them. I do my best to live a healthy and active lifestyle, but that doesn’t mean I’m never going to get sick. And should I become ill, I often see it as my body telling me to take time to rest. It’s a difficult thing for me to do. Rest, that is. Even when I’m sick, and can see people rushing about the city, I’m caught up in that rush. I want to keep going and going and going. Like the Energizer Bunny.

So today I remind myself that I am on a journey, and that I shouldn’t try to rush. I must savour each day, each moment along the way. Sometimes I forget, too, that a career in the arts doesn’t happen overnight, and it takes faith and courage. I have to believe in myself, and have faith that I can succeed and remain faithful to the cause. Yes, the first few weeks of 2016 may not have been as productive as I would have liked, but this one thing I know: I can simply begin, now, where I am, and the rest will follow.

I can, and will, follow the counsel of Corita Kent: “Love the moment, and the energy of that moment will spread beyond all boundaries.”

Be Daring! Be Bold!

Happy New Year!

My hope for 2016 is that it will be, one more time, a Year of Selfishness^* (much like it was for 2015). I will acknowledge what it is that I want to achieve and go after it. I will be courageous, daring, bold. I will, selfishly, put myself first. That will take courage because, sometimes, putting myself first is difficult to do. I don’t want to let down my partner, friends or family. I don’t want them to feel like I’ve abandoned them. But for me to be true to who I am, and if I want to feel like I’m moving confidently in the direction of my dreams, I need to make sure I’m taking care of myself before I can be there for anyone else. Right? Otherwise, I’ll end up abandoning myself, and my dreams.

In my pursuit of selfishness, I will be constantly looking to maintain some sense of balance. And for me, the idea of balance is often elusive. Because I struggle. I struggle with the demands of life, working hard to not let myself get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life, to resist the temptation to rush, rush, rush. Some days it feels like I’m barely keeping up, like there’s too much pressure. Some of that “pressure” is self-inflicted — getting up before dawn to write in order to bring my writing projects full circle, trying to get out for a run or to the gym daily, returning phone calls and e-mails to friends, preparing a gourmet dinner, doing laundry … There are external pressures, like social media. Nowadays, it’s expected that artists in all genres will be actively engaged on social media — Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn — but I am easily overwhelmed by social media. And when I am overwhelmed, I lose my footing. That is why I struggle. I struggle to do it all in a day, to find balance.

Hold fast, hold strong.

For me to succeed at putting myself first, to be selfish, I must take that age-old adage to heart and take life “one day at a time.” I can’t focus on what I can’t do. I must focus on what I can do. I must learn to dominate social media instead of letting social media have dominion over me. I will not chastise myself for things not done; I will instead celebrate all that I achieve. If I can do that, and not be discouraged, 2016 has the potential to be a very Happy New Year.

* I’m not subscribing to the traditional definition of the root word, selfish: “(Of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for other people; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure,” as defined by the Oxford Dictionary. I am not without consideration for other people, nor am I mainly obsessed with my own “personal profit or pleasure.”

To read a sneak peak from my novel, click on the title: The Flowers Need Watering:

A Year of Selfishness

Written 24 December 2015

As I write, I’m on an Airbus 321, at an altitude of about 36,000 feet, and somewhere between Toronto and Vancouver. Today, Vancouver is my final destination. It’s Christmas, and as 2016 nears, I’ve been thinking about my journey through 2015 — where I’ve been, where I am, and where I’m still hoping to go.

Where I’ve Been: I dubbed 2015 “My Year of Selfishness” because my goal was to acknowledge what I wanted to achieve, recognize what made my heart tick. Over the course of the year, I remained focused on my writing (what makes my heart tick). I succeeded at completing a major rewrite of a novel, which has been with two publishers for several months now. I wrote more short stories, experimented with flash fiction, made more submissions. I managed to run more and took up the challenge, thrown at me by a high-octane café owner, to undertake an exercise program called Convict Conditioning. Making my way through Mastering the Art of French Cooking (Child, Bertholle and Beck), I’ve honed my culinary skills. Where have I been? In a state of perpetual learning, working to become the man I’ve always dared to be. Through it all, I’ve reminded myself of this simple rule in life: “If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll never have it.” In 2015, I’ve gone after what I want.

Where I Am: Still pursuing my dreams. I write daily. Sometimes the writing goes well, sometimes not so much. I don’t wait on inspiration (I have lots of ideas and projects on the go, and working to finish something), I just show up and write. And despite me showing up at the page, I also struggle to achieve some sort of balance. My day job often leaves me exhausted, and on my days off my biggest challenge is to sit down at my desk and write that first sentence. But once the first sentence is down on the page, a writing session is usually quite productive. As a writer, however, I’ve had difficulty coping with the demands of social media for two reasons: 1) Social media can be all-consuming, and if I let myself get caught up in it I can waste a lot of time; and 2) Social media is not something that I am particularly drawn to. I can see social media’s worth, and I can even appreciate it, but I worry about getting lost in it, that posting updates and gaining more followers is more important than that act of writing itself (or creating in general). I don’t want to feel obligated to always tweet or post updates to Facebook or Instagram about life when I’d rather be out living it. Where am I? Standing in the middle ground, trying to shore up my footing, to stay focused on my goals and build the life for me that is worth living. So I remind myself of this simple rule in life: “If you do not ask, the answer will always be no.” I ask, daily, for balance — for a natural ebb and flow to life — and that all my dreams will come true.

Where I’m Still Hoping to Go: Moving, still, slowly but surely — or as fast as the Flash on any given day — confidently in the direction of my dreams. To, when procrastination rears its ugly head, not give up, not let myself be defeated. To remember where I’ve been and where I am so that I will see clearly where I’m going to. The third simple rule in life is this: “If you do not step forward, you will always be in the same place.” So I will keep moving, keep my eye on the prize.

2015 has been a year where I’ve done the things that I love to do, where I remained true to myself. Perhaps not my best year, definitely not my worst, but a year filled with love, joy, peace, and the support and courage of friends and family. I couldn’t have asked for anything more.

Thanks for being a part of my journey. Wishing you all the best in 2016!

Pause and Reflect

Written Sunday, 6 December 2015

Writing. On a quiet Sunday afternoon (when there’s no drilling happening as they repair the Gardiner Expressway). Nothing on the agenda. Nothing that I have to do. A perfect time to pause and reflect.

My recent timeout from social media gave me a lot to think about. Stepping away from Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, and Blogger for a full two weeks in November, I found myself writing more and finishing projects. I was going to bed at night with a feeling of accomplishment instead of feeling overwhelmed. I followed a simple routine, got back to basics. I was, once again, laying track.

Being back online again, I’ve had to limit how much time I dedicate to social media. I need to write. I need to create. When I don’t, I’m like my partner when he’s gone too long without a cigarette: irritable. (That’s another battle for another day!) If social media overwhelms, dominates, I lose my footing. I thought about resigning from social media for a longer period of time, say three to six months. Given time to reflect, I realized that wasn’t the answer. Social media is an effective tool, and what I need to do is figure out an approach to its use that’s good for me. It’s a question of balance.

While I write daily, I’m trying different strategies with social media. Dedicated times during the week where I can be present on social media. Dedicated days of non-use of social media, more regularly scheduled timeouts. It’s an approach that is evolving as I find my rhythm with social media.

Balance. Not always easy to achieve. And if I can stay focused on my goals — find a way to use social media to advance my goals instead of distracting me from them — balance will come. In the meantime, I’ll need to be patient and simply go with the flow.

Pulling the Plug: My Evolving Relationship with Social Media

On 8 November 2015, at 23:59, I went dark. I pulled the plug on social media — Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, Blogger. Then I went beyond that. I limited my use of e-mail, kept the TV off during the day (until my partner came home from work and turned it on), sent very few text messages, and when I wasn’t working at my day job, kept my cell phone on “Do Not Disturb” mode.

I went dark, off the grid. A much-needed timeout from social media because I felt overwhelmed. As I worked on the rewrite of my novel, I was also trying to stay current on industry trends. Suddenly, I felt everything coming at me fast and furious. On Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, or my inbox, the bombardment was unrelenting: Advice on holiday book marketing, or writing and selling your novel, or how authors can use Facebook Lead Generation Ads, or how to grow your followers, etc., etc. Overwhelmed, I couldn’t hear myself think. I didn’t know how to proceed.

And being overwhelmed has a spiraling effect. I don’t know how to move myself forward. I can’t concentrate. Then procrastination sets in, which I embrace wholeheartedly. Consequently, I’m then frustrated because I’m not moving forward, my writing projects stalled, and me along with them.

So I went dark, off the grid. For two weeks.

Now I’m back and, as a multidisciplinary artist, I recognize that social media — Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, etc. — can be powerful tools in the promotion of our brand. I enjoy interacting with those interested in my work, receiving their feedback, and thankful for their encouragement and support. It’s just that … I don’t live vicariously through social media. I’m not someone who likes to tweet about life as much as I like to live it. That’s why social media is both my friend and my enemy. I took the timeout because social media felt more like my enemy.

My enemy. Because, real or imagined, I felt like social media had dominion over me. I wasn’t writing, I wasn’t creating. By going off the grid, I wanted to get grounded again, get back to basics and myself, and focus on what I love to do most: writing.

During that two-week timeout, I wrote. Focused, I’ve made a lot of progress on the rewrite of my novel. I polished several short stories and made submissions. I got out running more, or to the gym. I went out and explored my neighbourhood, discovering new restaurants and boutiques. I read more (currently making my way through Robert Ludlum’s Bourne series and having a blast). I Challenged myself in the kitchen, taking on some of the more intricate recipes in Julia Child’s Mastering the Art of French Cooking. I finally organized my spice cupboard. I felt relaxed, and at the end of each day, a sense of accomplishment. Something I hadn’t felt in a long time.

Yet here I am, still trying to figure out a way forward, how to balance my use of social media, my writing time and the rest of my life pursuits. I know something has to change. And maybe it’s that I have to change my perspective — stop worrying about my “platform,” how many followers I have on Twitter or fans of my Facebook page. Perhaps, when I become a bestselling author the likes of Stephen King or Margaret Atwood or John Grisham, I’ll worry about those things. Then again, maybe not. Now, I’m just going to write, live life and enjoy this spectacular journey. I invite you to hang around, be part of it. But don’t expect too much from me on social media. I’m pulling back as I figure out a way to use social media “smarter,” to not let it define me, become who I am. I think this is the only way for me to stay real.

A Routine Matter

Routine. As an artist, routine is one of the most important tools in my artist’s toolbox. Routine — showing up daily to write — is what keeps my projects moving forward, ensures that I finish something. As a writer, routine is the lifeline I reach for when my schedule is thrown off kilter, and me along with it.

I’m reaching out for that lifeline now.

I spent September and the first 20 days of October criss-crossing the country, on a special assignment during the federal election campaign. Late nights. Early mornings. Long days. Just before being called for the assignment, I had started the rewrite process on a novel-length manuscript. I brought that project with me because I didn’t want it to stall. While I did some writing, most days I was too tired to concentrate. The project didn’t stall completely; it just moved along slowly, at a snail’s pace.

Now, I’ve been home for just over a week, returning to life as I once knew it. It’s a struggle. The biggest challenge I’m facing is my sleep. I wake up, believing that it’s morning, only to discover that it’s 3:10 am. I try to get back to sleep but don’t have much luck. So I lay there, and when I can’t stand tossing and turning any longer, I roll out of bed. By this time, it’s 4:30.

It’s not perfect, but it’s a routine. Up at 4:30. Brew coffee. Write Morning Pages. Do some writing. Shower. More writing/research. Lunch. A little more writing. Run/Go to the gym (depending on the weather). Prepare supper (making my way through Julia Child’s Mastering the Art of French Cooking, this can be a lengthy, but fun, process). Relax. Sleep (or try to).

Yes, it’s a routine, and it keeps the creative juices flowing. I might be a little tired at the moment, and at four in the afternoon I might struggle to keep my eyes open, but a routine — this routine — is helping me to lay track. Routine helps me to stay grounded and, when I’m feeling discouraged, to take the longer view, and that is this: I have created a life worth living because I’m doing what I love, writing. And I’ll keep on writing, holding steadfast to my routine. And that is why, wherever I may find myself, I am able to love the moment.

Know Thyself: Take 2

I spent the past seven weeks working on a special assignment for my day job. Seven challenging weeks that rocked me physically, mentally, spiritually. Challenging because of the long days (on average, I put in 16-hour days). Challenging because most of the days I was on my feet (no time to sit) and eating, not so well, on the fly. Challenging because of the different personalities clashing, testing the limits of my patience (I “snapped” during week six when one colleague had gone too far). Challenging because of the disruption to my writing and exercise routines. Challenging because I felt that I had lost myself.

In accepting the special assignment (hard to refuse when you’re handpicked by the person leading the team), I knew that the days would be long, and that I would be tired. But I went into the assignment with the same positive attitude I bring to work each day. This was an opportunity to do something different, to visit places I hadn’t seen before. And I had to think, as we often hear, that a change is as good as a rest. I also knew that I would have to “steal” time to write. Most days I was so tired I couldn’t concentrate, and was lucky to get down a few sentences. Admittedly, I didn’t make much progress on the writing project that I had brought with me. By the end of the assignment I was exhausted and irritable, and desperate to write and to get out for a run along the Martin Goodman Trail.

My day job is just that. A job. I don`t love it, I don`t hate it. But when I show up, I give 200% and bring my best to it — a positive attitude, a client-centred approach, and a smile. But this special assignment reminded me (I needed the reminder) that:

I’m direct. At the beginning of 2014, I challenged myself to maintain a healthy, positive outlook on life. I’m happy with my life, happy with all that I’ve achieved. That`s why I do my best to stay outside of the negativity so ingrained in society — to try and build something up and see the silver lining as opposed to always criticizing, deconstructing, tearing others down. People with negative attitudes, if I allow them, suck out too much of my energy, so I ruthlessly cut them loose (and during this special assignment one of my colleagues learned that lesson the hard way, despite many warnings).

It is so important to do what it is that you love to do. For me, that`s writing. It`s what puts the spring in my step. Whenever I could, I wrote. Sometimes that meant not going out for drinks and/or dinner with my colleagues at the end of a long day, casting me as “antisocial.” I was okay with that because writing is what gives me a sense of purpose, brings joy into my life. That was me being true to myself.

It’s important to keep the faith. Never compromise on who you are, and hold strong, hold fast to dreams. No one can fault you for that.

I now have almost three weeks off to recharge, to get back to the core of things. To write! I’m back to work, regularly, on a tough rewrite. But I’m writing. Yes, I’m doing what it is that I love to do, and that feels good.